[insert broken heart here]

breaking up is never easy. especially when you are the one on the receiving end of said break up.

i have thought quite a bit about making a post about this on here because although i do allow some of my personal ‘stuff’ to invade this space, i really try to keep it to a minimum.

but truth be told ? it’s what’s up. it’s what happening right now. i may not always discuss things related to art on here, but when i stray from the topic it’s usually to tell a story about something else that has been nagging me. and this, my friends, has been nagging me. albeit only for the past twenty four hours (when it happened), but so be it.

i am not someone who can walk away from things easily when i care deeply for someone (or rather, love someone – let’s just be honest here). there is, inevitably, the initial numbness that comes with the territory of being broken up with. you are so unprepared for and against the idea of it, that it is easier to just push it away. push it as far away as you possibly can. most people use alcohol, drugs, or other self destructive means to accomplish this.

feeling sad is only natural. there’s sad and then there’s depressed. i, personally, am inclined to feel the latter. sinking deeper and deeper into a hole that i dig for myself as i wallow in self pity. now, this can only last so long. i have given myself a 48 Hour Self Pity rule. after 48 hours have passed, it’s time to scrape myself off the pavement and stop feeling sorry for myself. this is easier said than done.

and then there is anger. anger can be a beautiful thing. it may not be the best use of energy, but it’s far more appealing, to me at least, to sit around cursing at an empty room than it is to cry into a pillow thinking about this person and mourning the end of your relationship. when angry, truly angry, you can yell and scream and carry on about how much you ‘hate’ the person who has caused you such immense pain. of course, it is unlikely you actually hate them (unless they did something really worth hating them for), but it’s nice to pretend, just for a few days, that you do. it just makes the whole sad part a lot easier to get through.

in conclusion, i have to at least say this much :: i can turn around and look back at my relationship knowing that i gave all that i could to it. i was good to him. very good. i have not forgotten that i am human and that, sure, i also made some mistakes along the way, but at least i know that my intentions were always good and that i treated this person as well as you could treat someone. the wound is still very fresh and raw. even seeing a couple on the street holding hands feels like salt is being rubbed into it. it turns my stomach. the cynical part of me wants to scream and shout at them, warning them of the pain they will likely, one day, feel because of the person they are holding hands with.

but then i remember what it feels like to be that person holding hands. i remember it with fondness. but, like most things, it’s bittersweet. the thought also brings serious tears to my eyes because i will miss it so much. and not just holding anyone’s hand, but holding his hand. the next few weeks will be difficult. downright horrible, actually, but at least i know i gave all that i could and maybe, just maybe, this will be something that, in the future, i can refer to when i speak of my belief that ‘all things happen for a reason.’

for today, i’m just sad and angry and numb and confused. but, this too shall pass. it has to, right ?

i just wish it didn’t make it so d*mn hard to paint.

jessi