8

the title of today’s post has nothing to do with today’s post. or maybe it does. it’s too soon to tell. i’d opened a window in my browser to write a new post, navigated away from it for a few minutes, and came back to find the number eight entered in the title field of the post. i would have erased it, but that number is undeniably significant to me, so i kept it right where it was. i sincerely doubt that my keyboard and computer are trying to send me ethereal messages, but one can only hope.

in my last entry i mentioned that my left hand’s ring finger (you know, the finger) was starting to feel a bit naked these days.

every girl has their own opinion of marriage. some girls are enamored by the thought of their wedding day when they are young. they make a scrapbook and collect clippings from bridal magazines, formulating their own future perfect day years in advance. others, like myself, show little to no interest in the idea of marriage, being neither for or against it.

the idea of getting married does not scare me, but it doesn’t intrigue me either. when i think of marriage, i think, “that would be nice.” and what kind of an adjective is nice ? nice is a word that describes everything and nothing all at the same time. in my opinion, it implies an entirely neutral and unmemorable feeling. nice. say it enough times and it loses all meaning completely.

have you ever flipped a coin to determine a decision you did not want to make ? i think we all have, many times over. i feel like i just flipped a coin. i have a coin flipping theory. my theory being that when one flips a coin to determine, say, should i order mexican or thai food for dinner ? one will immediately know the answer to their question once said coin has made the decision for them. you will either feel relief or regret. if you feel relief when you discover the coin told you that you were going to have mexican, then it’s mexican that you wanted all along. if you feel regret, then you know that it was thai food you’d really wanted all this time. flipping a coin is the best way to make a decision when you are feeling indecisive.

in the words above, i feel like i have just flipped a coin. i’d written all the things i thought that were true only to discover that maybe they are not. i couldn’t make this post on my blog and feel entirely honest or sincere. i reread my words about marriage and immediately felt a sense of regret. i may not have had a scrapbook full of wedding dresses as a child, but i think i’d like to get married one day. i really do. the above is what i’ve been telling myself, more or less, for the past year or so – that’s when the whole concept of being married actually entered my brain.

why am i talking about marriage ? my manager just got married a week ago. i’ve had two customers come into my store this week – one was a bride to be and one was a man about to propose to his girlfriend at the grand canyon. and on july 23rd, i will be a bridesmaid in one of my best friend’s weddings. it is wedding season, as all summers are. but this is the first summer where that actually is significant to me. as in, i actually know people (as opposed to knowing friends of friends) who are getting married.

and so it goes. the number eight stands mysteriously as the title of this blog entry and will remain that way.and so it goes. if i don’t post before monday, i wish you all a very happy fourth of july. i have plans to sleep in and eat freshly smoked meat in the afternoon. i don’t even care if i see any fireworks because, quite frankly, they will only remind me of the number eight.

[the american dream. holga, 120 film. racine, wisconsin 2009.]

jessi