Tag Archives: insomnia

life is beautiful.

i have this terrible habit of getting down on myself (many of you can probably relate). i never feel quite right. or good enough. or something. and before i go on, this is not a plea for sympathy. i’m just laying down the this-is-what’s-up-with-me-now bullsh*t.

i awoke this morning after a somewhat interrupted night of sleep feeling tired, disoriented, and headache-y. this happens pretty often. i either have a hard time falling asleep before 2:30am or i’ll fall asleep quickly and rise at 4:00am unable to fall back to sleep. during this period of sleeplessness my wheels turn fast and hard. any and everything somewhat disturbing or depressing in my life (past or present) rears its ugly head and spins through my brain on repeat. the best way to solve this problem, i have found, is by playing endless games of solitaire on my phone until my eyelids are too heavy to keep them open. it actually works pretty well.

so this morning, i once again found myself feeling the lack of sleep hangover. i rarely drink caffeine. but today, like many days of late, i found myself looking for toothpicks to keep my eyes propped open. so i nursed a small cup of coffee (that i didn’t even finish). i love coffee, but due to the fact that i am hypoglycemic, caffeine only makes my symptoms worse. regular coffee drinkers will experience some amount of shakiness due to the caffeine flowing through their bloodstream. i, on the other hand, will experience a shakiness so severe that i feel nauseated. i become sweaty and dizzy and disoriented and grumpy, on the verge of blacking out. it is only when i find a piece of sugar (usually in the form of fruit – bananas being my first choice) that these ailments begin to subside. it doesn’t even matter if i’ve chugged a protein shake or a good breakfast prior to that half cup of weak coffee, my symptoms will rise to the surface. being from seattle, i feel somewhat ashamed that i can’t stomach real (caffeinated, that is) coffee. so be it, i stick to decaf when i can afford to.

so this morning i did something i haven’t done in a few years. even though i awoke tired and uncomfortable, i made the decision to look at myself in the mirror and say, “life is beautiful. i will have an amazing day.” did i believe myself entirely ? no, not really. but just the act of saying this to myself outloud was enough to dress myself for work, walk/crutch to work, and feel a sense of confidence i haven’t felt in years.

i had a headache for the better part of the day and the only thing that sounded even remotely appealing to me was my bed. my bed is a single mattress on the floor and yet it still sounded like the best place in the world for the eight hours i was at work. so i continued to tell myself that i was fantastic all day long. i even reached a point where i believed it – despite the physical and emotional discomfort i was experiencing. walking around work, walking to work, walking to lunch, walking home. i kept reciting to myself that life is beautiful. for the first time since i lived in new york, i paused many times during these slow walks just to admire my surroundings. the small moments that we overlook regularly because we are far too concerned with getting where we are going to do whatever it is we plan to do when we get there. so i paused, many times over. i was late back from my hour lunch break for this very reason. i was too busy admiring the “mundane” around me. and hell, losing a few minutes off my paycheck for some self love is completely worth it in my opinion.

i admired the sky. the sunshine. the fog that rolled in after work. the everything. i’ve had a rough couple of years. i really have. and i finally need to admit that and be okay with that. i think my rough couple of years all started in october of 2009 when a close family friend of mine was murdered in cold blood. this was followed by a series of unfortunate events. i’m coming up on the two year anniversary of this awful tragedy and feel as if i am finally finding some peace in my life and, more importantly, within myself. that’s pretty cool.

so, yeah. life is beautiful. if you or i don’t believe it now or today, i am certain that someday we will. with that, i have two of my favorite quotes to share with you ::

“everything will be okay in the end. and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.”

“just don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.”

[nikon 35 mm. 2010.]

jessi

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i can’t sleep

i’m sick. in the eight months that i’ve lived in San Francisco, i’ve been legitimately sick three times.

when i lived in New York for four years, i was sick about twice a year.

when i lived in Seattle as a kid, i was sick all of the time. but in the three years between New York and San Francisco, i was sick only a few times with very minor sniffles that could hardly be considered a real cold. i never missed a day of work because of it.

San Francisco. there must be something in the water here. or the air. i know that cities aren’t the kindest environments for our immune systems with the bacteria and mold flying around. my immune system also happens to be on the weak side. my white blood cell count is well below average for a normal human being and has been this way since i was a child. i take vitamins daily. i drink plenty of water. i wash my hands on the regular. clearly, my habits were rewarded in Seattle. but here in San Francisco, no such luck. i think i’ve been coughing since November. off and on, of course. i received antibiotics in February for both bronchitis and sinusitis. i may have to go back to the doctor in the next couple of weeks if this newest plague doesn’t subside soon.

however, this time around, i have to make a confession. it was likely self-induced. we have been working our asses off moving an art store. this past weekend, i got four hours of sleep three nights in a row. this wasn’t even intentional. i almost wish i had a good story to tell you about how hard i’ve been partying. but alas, i do not. i’d slip into bed at 10:30, with my alarm set for 6:30am. and then i would toss and turn. i’d read. i’d talk to my cat. i’d think. and then think some more. i even cried a few times out of frustration at not being able to fall asleep. i cried for other reasons, too. before i knew it, 2:30am had rolled around and that is the last number i remember seeing on the clock.

there’s nothing worse than being unable to sleep. i was a professional insomniac for many years. those days are behind me now, but i still have fits of insomnia here and there when life becomes too chaotic. and rationally, i know that there is nothing you can do from your bed at 1:14am. it is pointless to worry about things, but yet i still do. and i know am not alone in this. it’s the wheels turning syndrome. i have wished, on many occasions, that there was a light switch in my head that i could use at bedtime to turn my brain off. i’ve yet to have this dream come true so i continue to muddle along, attempting to control the uncontrollable from my single mattress at one in the morning. when you wake up from little sleep, you feel hungover. whether or not a drop of alcohol has passed through your lips anytime before falling to sleep, you will feel hungover from lack of sleep. your brain hurts. your body aches. and every cell that is holding you together is screaming at you to stay in bed and sleep.

i want to recover by this weekend. nay, i need to. not only is my sister coming to visit, but come friday morning – someone who i have not seen in over fifteen years will be here to see me. i am so excited for his arrival it makes me squeal and squirm with the thought of it. i can’t even go into detail about it. but i am beyond excited. until then..Nyquil.

jessi

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